AKA Burn your Ergo Pack.
Most great gyms (the ones with the stank of chalk and glory) don’t have child care facilities. Even if you were fortunate enough to find a Chuck E. Cheese/ Barbell Club hybrid, most parents are typically way too busy to make the time for such an oasis. For all of you parents who don’t have time to get to the gym, this series of postings is for you. While all the rest of us suckers have to pay money for resistance equipment, you clever procreators made equipment from your own DNA. Well done. Now put it to use.
Here are a few ideas that my two rowdy boys (Finley and Sullivan) and I use around the house. Please feel free to expand on these with your own moves and for God’s sake share those ideas below in Comments.
I have a back yard trampoline which makes several of these moves far safer, more fun and more challenging. This first posting will focus on trampoline workouts. There will be other sorts to come.
Tackle the Team. With children of the right temperament, you wouldn’t believe what a burner this one is. In my family it rivals the WOD Karen in suck factor.
First: Place three small mammals on a trampoline and zip yourself in there with them. These mammals would preferably be children and would preferably be your own. (If you lack the requisite offspring, borrow some from your neighbor.)
Next: Attempt to tackle all 3 mammals AT THE SAME TIME. This gets very challenging when they learn to spread out and to get up quickly after being brought down. If one is back on its feet by the time you bring down the third, you missed that rep. It is sometimes necessary to resort to threats of spankings if they don’t hold still. This is undoubtedly underhanded cheating, but a great man once said “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” When using this underhanded technique lengthen the WOD to a 20 minute AMRAP to keep it RX’d.
Person Toss. This one is pretty straight forward. Take three warm up bounces before heaving your precious offspring into the heavens and trust your parenting instincts to kick in as they come hurtling toward you. Work up to max effort height gradually. If they get spooked by the abrupt height they will likely flail a sharp elbow into you nose. I catch them under the arm pits and set them aside and grab the next one. This could be performed like Karen (150 for time) but I prefer to treat each toss as a single rep attempt at max height.
Stay tuned for future installments which will cover the following movements and more: Sully and Fin KB swing, People Turkish GU, Child Zerkers, Mammal Front Squats, Finley Thrusters, Over Head Sully, Walk on Dad While he does plank, Burn Your Kelty AKA Farmer’s Walk, Offspring Pistols, Etc.
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